If that this was some sort of cruel joke, I decided to win the next time. So for my next birthday, I actually planned a get together at home and I spent the day with some wonderful people. There wasn’t much space for the blues to creep in. I don’t want to brag but it was perfect. I felt light. I was happy.

I found out that birthday blues is a little more common than I think. There are those who choose to acknowledge their birthdays , and there are others like me who do not know how to feel about it.
For the past years, I’d get really reflective around that period, marking myself over what I’ve accomplished and where I was lagging behind. If I’m being honest, I usually enter a wormhole of comparison.

Here’s the thing, I don’t want to feel the need to always plan something just to take the blues away. I simply want to be. I want to acknowledge the day for what it is, be in that moment and not ‘punish’ myself for it.

I don’t want the blues to dominate year after year. I want some birthday lightness and some yellows. I admire people who get so excited on their birthdays. It’s really great. Age shouldn’t be a defining factor for how ‘excited’ a person is allowed to be.


This year, my headache is with the age that I’m turning. You could actually probably just tell me to suck it up. But it sits heavy in my chest, what I could have been by now, what I prayed to have and be at this age .

I still don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t want to plan my way out of it or perform my way through it.

  I simply want a day where I’m not bracing myself against or measuring myself.