There are things I’m choosing not to drag into this year and the coming years with me even though they’re familiar and I have gotten comfortable with them.

Some comfort comes at too high a cost.

Self-betrayal
The kind that looks like saying yes when I mean no, or shrinking myself to stay connected.

Performative worthiness
Last year opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve learned certain behaviours, some performances, to be deemed “worthy.”
I’ve practised them for so long they almost feel like who I am.
Performative worthiness took the forms of:

Over-explaining myself.


Offering curated versions of myself, driven by the belief that the uncut version of me was too messy, too needy, too much, or somehow not enough. So, I handed out safer, more acceptable versions instead.

Accepting the bare minimum. And calling it patience. Or grace. Or maturity. Or whatever made me seem like a reasonable or thoughtful person.

Unspoken resentments
Ones that quietly rot relationships from the inside.

6. Old disappointments that still sting.Things I claimed I had moved past, but never actually did.

I’m tired of performing for love.
I don’t want belonging that costs me myself.
I don’t know exactly who I’m becoming, but I’m clear on who I don’t want to be.