I believe this is going to be my most honest post so far for the year, although I am likely to delete this at a later time. This year has gone by really fast – it feels like a cruel joke. It’s been several months since the beginning of the year, and it still hasn’t been enough time for me to process my thoughts. It’s September, and yet my thoughts are still on months long gone.

This year, in particular, in my books was meant for living in the moment; clearly, I’m not great at that. I’ve been stuck in a loop of fearing or anticipating horrible situations that have already happened. You know what this does to you? It has a way of making you extravigilant and overly self-protective and quick to harshly judge yourself.

It hasn’t been a memorable one, and I’m trying to change the story for what’s left of 2024. The issue is, I don’t know how to. I’m not sure how to mould the rest of the year in a way that, at the end of it, my moments of joy will outweigh the grief.

The previous year felt the same and the year before, and each year felt like a repetition of the previous as though I was living in a matrix (that’s what one friend called it). I still don’t have the answers or the solutions that I have been seeking.

I’ve been dealing with grief in a way that I can not explain. I’m still mourning the person that I was a few months ago so much that I have neglected who I am now. I’ve been told to let go. I agree fully with this except that I don’t know how to yet.

Adjusting to my new normal has been a struggle. I’m caught between two states – who I was and who I’m becoming. I’m still broken over things that I’ve lost and things I’m gaining( if there’s any). I’m tired of constantly doing some healing. I can’t keep healing the rest of my life. I’ve been several versions of myself this year. Don’t ask me who I am right now – I don’t recognise her.

The days overwhelm me because mostly I’ve swallowed up all the tomorrows and all I see are periods where I’m shredded apart and can not put myself together. Today feels heavy, and though I know I should see just today through, I worry that I can not get through tomorrow.

I’ve always been a mushy person. I have so much faith in people. I told my friend that because I don’t have this faith in myself, I choose to see it in others. This year has taught me otherwise. I’m tired of this unflinching faith and bizarre hope that I have. A faith that keeps tugging at others and situations that would rather not have my interference.

Today, I’m not here to inspire or tell myself what I know must be done. Rather, I want to be honest with myself and maybe allow myself to feel this way. I’d like to more than anything have a much different outlook at the end of the year. I’d like to see my year turn out better than it looks like right now. Also, I’d like to find means to encourage and strengthen myself , to make  life something worth looking forward to. To one day say that my days of mourning turned into an oil of gladness.